Being with a loved one as they die can be devastating, heartbreaking, loving, life changing, challenging, exhausting, joyful – any of these emotions, a combination of many of them or something different entirely. It is a uniquely personal experiences for everyone.

There are a number of places where you might be with someone dying for example; at home, in hospital, in palliative care, an aged care facility. Try to create an appropriate space and atmosphere. Check in with the person – their sensitivities and needs are paramount. Most hospitals will accommodate things like soft music, photos, meaningful things in the room. Visitors are generally permitted to stay around the clock, and they are often allowed to sleep in the room.

Things to consider when you are with someone who is dying:

• Be as prepared as possible. Death is certain, although the time of death is not
• It can be useful to have a support person for yourself.
• Consider plans for caring, death and the funeral. This may seem intimidating, but the person may want to have input.
• Environmental, psychological, emotional and spiritual needs all need to be considered, while the person can still communicate.
• Consider what you are capable of, and talk to other loved ones about their capabilities.
• There may be personal or emotional things they or you need to talk about.
• There is no certain timeframe, so you may need help with children, pets, and other commitments you may have.

When your loved one dies

If you have been with someone as they are dying, then it may not be a as shocking as you would expect it to be. But it may also be sudden and can catch you buy surprise. It might be when everyone leaves the room, it may be when you take a nap in the chair next to the bed.

You can take notice of the signs of the slowing down of your loved ones body’s functions, a gradual or lesser interest in external things, like the world, politics, religion, community, friends, and even family. They may be with their own thoughts and feelings.

Check in with them. If it is true, assure them that you love them, and that you are ok, that they are ok. If appropriate, you may want to touch them, hold their hands, kiss them gently, say your goodbyes. You may want to be quiet or laugh and be joyful, you may want to stay by their bed or leave and go home.

You can feel anything and everything, it can be confusing or clarifying. I have been with a number of people as they die and for me it feels as though time stops. There are so many emotions, sadness, anxiety, relief, excited, anticipation. Feel your emotions but remember that you are there to accompany your loved one, let their emotions and experience be at their fullest and lead the situation.

If you are at home

If you have been caring for a loved one at home as they die, and their death has been expected, it is not necessary for a doctor to be present. You will have kept them informed but there is no set time that you must notify the doctor, so if your loved one dies through the night, you may want to just spend extra calm time with the body and call the doctor in the morning, or a few hours later, when you are ready.

Don’t call until you are ready.  Depending on the situation, you may choose to call the Doctor, loved ones, an ambulance, or the police. Once this course of action is taken, it can be difficult to stop it and you may find your home a hive of activity with friends and strangers. You may want to take a little time to say your goodbyes and you are ready.

Do not rush; your time with the body can be precious and cannot be had again. Being with the body can be a beneficial experience. If you want to keep it at home, it is legal in Queensland to do so for up to 5 days. This is a long time. Often people will keep the body between twelve and forty-eight hours. It is vital that it be kept cold (preferably at -5°C) as it will begin to deteriorate otherwise. This can be done with ice, dry ice, frozen containers, or a refrigerated cold plate. If you want to do this, find out more in advance so you know what is involved.

You can also wash and dress your loved ones body yourself before it is taken away. This may also include closing the eyes and mouth, and watching out for any body fluids, though there may not be any. If you want to do this, find out more in advance so you know what is involved.

If you are in a facility

If your loved one is dying in hospital, hospice or aged care facility,  tell the nursing staff if you intend to spend some quiet time with the body once death has occurred. You can also take the body home and care for it there. This time can be very precious. It can allow you to rest, appreciate what has happened, come to terms, and see clearly that life has gone. This time cannot be had again.