Writing and delivering the a eulogy for a loved one can be and extremely difficult thing to do. For anyone preparing a eulogy for a loved one, this is my advice – keep it personal, and make it your own.

1.      Try to make it fairly brief

Keep telling yourself that “less is more.” The truth is that the longer you speak, the more likely you will ramble, get overwhelmed, maybe get emotional, and possibly make listeners feel awkward, or uncomfortable. Instead, you should create a eulogy that you can deliver in around five – seven minutes (five minutes is actually a long time when you’re up there). If possible, ask the funeral director, clergy member, celebrant, or other officiants beforehand how much time you will have during the service, but keeping it around five, and most definitely less than 10 is a good rule of thumb.

To help keep it brief, you should focus your eulogy on a specific quality or two about the deceased that you admire, or share a story about the deceased that expresses a significant personality trait or formative moment in his or her life. Ideally, try to relate something that you witnessed firsthand or that personally involved you, but if you’re having trouble thinking of something, then it’s okay to ask a close loved one for some ideas.

By limiting the scope of your remarks in this way, you should find it easier to write your eulogy. In addition, you will more likely give your listeners some meaningful insight into the deceased that they will cherish, rather than fill them with the desire to glance at their watches or stifle their yawns.

2.      Keep it personal

Listeners will not find your eulogy moving if you recite a list of dry facts, such as those found in most obituaries. And avoid simply rattling off a long list of character traits, such as “Uncle Rodger loved the AFL, motorcycles, and a weekend BBQ with mates, etc.”

Instead, share a story that illustrates something your loved one enjoyed—especially if you were also part of that story. For example, imagine that you and Uncle Rodger went on a motorbike road trip and saw his favourite team play in the Grand Final. This will convey a deeper sense of his love of motorcycles and the footy, but you would also find it much easier to share other insights that listeners will find meaningful. Again, if you can’t think of a firsthand story to share, then talk to a close family member or friend and borrow one from them.

3.      Try to stay positive

Many movies and TV comedies have focused on the main character struggling to write and deliver a eulogy about a person he or she despised, such as an overbearing boss or unfaithful ex-spouse. Assuming you’re not tasked with eulogizing somebody like Ebenezer Scrooge, you shouldn’t have a problem finding enough words to focus on the positive things.

But if you struggle, remember that listeners will not be there to judge you on the thoroughness of your remarks. If the deceased was a difficult person or led a troubled life, then just trust that those in the audience already know that and it’s not your job to break the news to them.

In some cases, you might feel it’s impossible not to reference something negative or unflattering about the deceased, even though you’re trying to focus on the positive. If you find yourself in this situation, then you should resort to a euphemism to help get you past the awkward point in your eulogy and to avoid adding greater pain to those mourning.

4.      Use written notes

Even people who do a lot of public speaking use some written notes.

If the professionals use a written copy of their speeches, then you should too. While you definitely need to practice your eulogy several times to make sure it’s long enough  / or not too long, and so that you are  familiar with it, there is no reason to feel you must deliver your eulogy from memory.

Moreover, if you write your eulogy or speech on a computer, print it out using a font size that you find easy to read, and double-space the printout so it’s easier to keep your place. I always have notes for ceremonies I deliver, and I print them out in a larger font than usual.

In addition to your printed eulogy, it’s also a good idea to have a handkerchief or tissues with you in case you grow a little emotional, and some water should your throat feel dry. I also often suggest that people nominate a back-up. Should you become overwhelmed delivering your eulogy, having some one prearranged to step up and assist you can be very helpful.

5.      Try to keep a conversational tone

Public speaking traditionally ranks among the greatest fears that people hold. Despite this, most people have no problem talking to their family members, friends, co-workers, or even strangers if the situation calls for it. The difference, of course, is that nobody is watching you in those situations.

To help you deliver your eulogy effectively, and to make it more interesting for listeners, speak in a conversational tone—as if you were simply talking to a family member or friend. This should be easier if you’ve followed the advice above and you’re sharing a story or other firsthand insights.

In addition, remember to look up at your listeners from time to time and make eye contact. Doing so will help your delivery feel more like a conversation, and you will be less likely to rush through the eulogy and/or deliver it in a monotone voice.

If you don’t feel you can look at your audience without growing emotional, however, then keep your focus on your written notes and don’t feel self-conscious if you need to pause for a moment to compose yourself.