Metaphysical Wellness and Grief

In 1997 I started my Reiki training. I did my training under Tony Van Lambaart. I took a very traditional lineage and the major part of the study was the metaphysics of disease. Since then I have relied upon that knowledge and masters like Louise Hay for guidance on the every day.

Reconnecting with this during  a workshop as an actual study again has reignited my passion, increased my knowledge. I’ve even pulled out my old Reiki stuff and polished up my technical knowledge. I’m keen to find and reconnect with Tony as well.

I have lived fairly consistently from the perspective of what shows up in my body is what is happening in my subconscious, and I continue to use Reiki to heal myself and my loved ones, however I can clearly see now that this has been an very internal and private practice. For some years, I have rarely shared this with others , preferring only to talk about it when I am very certain that the person I am speaking to will not ridicule me. I came to this realization during the yoga workshop. Exploring this information with  a group of wonderful women, I had an experience of knowing in my being much of this information and not experiencing it as new or profound, but more just the everyday reality. I found myself getting grumpy with the group, and annoyed at the “waste of time”. In that moment, I saw that while I may have my own experience with this topic, I took no action to share with the group, I took no action to offer myself, my experience of my knowledge. Instead, I got grumpy and withdrew. I drove home thinking “whats wrong with me? , what a bitch I can be”.

I got home and shared with my wonderful partner. He listened. We lay together on the bed and we talked for ages. He let me share myself, my deepest fears about sharing myself openly, about closing myself down after being ridiculed by and ex partner many many times. He listened to my stories of how metaphysical wellness has impacted my life, and others I know. He listened to my dreams for the future, he listened to my hearts desires and who I know myself to be. He listened to my complaints about not sharing and my fears.

He listened and he asked questions, he shared his own experiences and when I cried he held me tight. I shared with him that I felt I was grieving  for this last little period of my life when I gave myself away. How I stopped being me and began to be what I thought others wanted, how I began to hide my real self from ridicule and shame.  He held me while I grieved and I cried for the real me whom I had turned away from. Eventually he said, “Ok, well, why don’t you just be you again? Its not gone forever. You are you. Stop hiding, just be you. Simple”.

It was like the fog cleared, and I was thinking “hey wait a minute, why didn’t I think if that?” Seriously – I could have saved some tears

So that’s where I am. That’s what I’m doing.

It gets messy, I forget, I start being all weird and things get messy and confusing. Then someone, usually that same wonderful man who held me while I cried, tells me to get over myself and its enough to click me back on track. I’m learning to waver from my core self less and less. I’m happier, closer to Sontosha. I’m getting there.

Put one foot in front of the other.